Permanent Guilt

Here I am after a very important milestone achieved by our team (Interlinking of our company's siding with the Indian Railway System). It took about 30-70 Railway officials and more than 100 labourers working 8 hr shifts for 04 days continously. A culmination of one and a half years of hard work, it was both physically and technically challenging.

But I am not here to write anything about the work.

We were only 04-05 of us from the company, the rest were Railway Officials and Contract labourers. We were coordinating the affair between the two. The Contractor staff was mostly running around appeasing the officials and shouting at the labourers. The staff and labourers at the lower levels were straining themselves mentally and physically. We were taking the stress to coordinate the whole process.

I was additionally responsible for controlling the administration during these 04 days and nights. And during this time, I experienced some very paradoxical emotions. As I stood on the tracks, with my sunglasses on, under the tent, to save myself from the hot sun and was being offered some nice cold thums up in a glass, I watched the 20 odd labourers heaving a laid railway track into position with crowbars and looking at me. I heard their parched and thirsty lips and dry throats screaming. I felt the pang of guilt within me but still shamelessly managed to gulp down the drink in hand. I sat down and pondered. I was being paid a six figure salary and privileges to coordinate the whole process and the laboruer in front of me were being paid Rs 100 per day for back breaking labour. I felt miserable. I thought a bit more. The Railway officers who had come on duty and were drawing TA/DA and all were shamelessly demanding privileges and the same was being provided to them. All they were doing was a bit of supervision and checking. I know the work was a bit technical but not that much. And the labourers were grunting and sweating and continuing the rigours of moving the rail tracks, welding the track joints and replacing the heavy concrete sleepers from under the tracks with new ones.

The point I am trying to understand here is that if what we are doing deserves the kind of money we are getting. Or more importantly, are the people doing back breaking labour getting what they deserve? I went on to think and justify my salary but somehow I couldn't. I tried but failed to justify that the labourers did not have brains and that is why they got paid less. I thought about farmers and middlemen and industrialists. I thought about the Army and its work. I thought about the Bureaucrats and the Police. Then I thought about Politicians. I went into the rigmaroll of emotions and thought that maybe it is all to do with destiny, kismet and luck.

Not convincing enough...in fact I thought deeply and I felt that I had it in me that I could just leave everything and settle down with just a pair of clothes and a roof on my head and work for people who needed help. Well...maybe later. Right now I have to take care of my family and my future. There...I am not as selfless as I thought I am. So I spoke to my better half. She told me that it was ok to have such feelings and that I was nice enough to think like this. She told me that people are much more selfish. They don't even think about others. I then thought of my problems and compared myself with those higher than me in the food chain. But what about the basic needs not being fulfilled for many ?? Something basic for someone can be luxury for another and vice-versa. Well...I think I am not going anywhere. The thirst for reasons shall never die, the search for logic will never end and I try to ask myself all the time -- Does theory of relativity apply everywhere??

Since I could not reach any logical conclusion nor I see any in sight, I carry in my heart a conscious guilt. The images of the dry and chaffed lips and dirty faces makes me stay grounded and humble. All I can say is that I think about others and try to do whatever little I can.

I shall keep doing that.